Of Butterflies, Barriers & Becoming

As someone who helps people get better at whatever form of public speaking they are facing – keynotes, media interviews, business presentations – I have learned that what we might think of as a typical “list” of barriers (nerves, content, time-to-prepare), is longer than we might think; the reality is there are almost as many barriers as there are people.

Take the VP at a Fortune 15 company who was widely known for her ability to be an absolute badass onstage. I’d seen her speak and frankly was a little surprised to hear she wanted help with a particular barrier she’d been coming up against for most of her career: Knocking knees.

“I don’t really feel any nerves at all. I’m well prepared, I’m confident, I’m in control of almost everything except the fact that I can’t stop my legs from shaking every single time I stand up to speak. What’s wrong with me?”

The answer to that began by assuring her there was nothing inherently “wrong” about this at all. I think we assume that “nerves” are some sort of junior varsity-level lack of experience or an admission of “I’m not enough” – when in reality, it’s just a hormone coursing through the body at a time of perceived threat.

Helping this VP overcome the mystery of “Kneegate” required a different approach than I might take with anyone else reporting “nerves.”  On paper the issue was about the adrenaline that courses through almost everyone’s body when they speak – and is the culprit behind the traditional “nervous” feeling so many people experience. But in reality, it took a few practices to realize that the real barrier at play was not the fact that the knees were knocking – but that despite years of experience, she had not yet learned the right way (for her!) of displacing that energy in a way that didn’t detract from the many other ways she was conveying confidence onstage.  It didn’t take long for her to find a way to harness that energy in a way that not only was natural to her but let her more strongly highlight her authentic strengths as a speaker.

The Butterfly Barrier

There are countless barriers to truly owning your stage, with nerves being top of the list for many people. I mean, who among us hasn’t felt those jaw-clenching, voice-shaking nerves to name just one - but Uncommon/Confidence isn’t a program geared to such low-hanging fruit as battling butterflies. I’d argue that the butterfly as a symbol for transformation is more apt for this program, as it’s designed especially for women who are ready – finally – to be able to say their voice is one of their superpowers. And in the end, that’s about moving beyond what’s been holding you back – even if it’s been working.

The “GetItDone” Construction Project

While there are certainly a few people for whom public speaking just seems to be a natural talent, the reality is that most have to work at it.  I often see speakers with fairly strong presentation muscles that are a result of them scrambling up and over whatever early-in-career barriers they had to face. By the time they get to me, many are more aware of the muscles that are still weak – and they are ready to build a foundation of confident authenticity that can get them past the final and most tempting barrier of all: The “get it done” confidence they have built over the years that lets them bypass some of the more painful pressure points of standing onstage in some form. For some, it’s been learning how to “wing it” so as not to lose their authenticity. For others, it’s been about white-knuckling the content development process so they can rely on memorization rather than risk forgetting one tiny element.

For many, that constructed self has become such a habit that the idea of messing with any potentially wobbly surface can be scary. That’s why the core DNA of this program lies in a learning environment that is at once supportive and challenging, safe and intensive.

The Becoming Breakthrough

One of the things we experienced in Italy with our first pilot cohort was the ability to shed the layers of constructed confidence. I remember watching one speaker – long applauded for her excellent presentation style across a long career – painstakingly let go of the things that let her “win” at presenting, but that had left her without truly letting her authentic self onto the stage. It was a process of building her own brand of Uncommon/Confidence in her own voice and giving her enough practice to see – to feel what that result would be. The moment we all saw her do that – live and in person in the middle of a rainy afternoon at a 2,000-year-old Roman amphitheater – was a powerful one that left us with tears in our eyes.

As we translate the magic of that Italian retreat experience into this virtual 8-week program, we know that part of success will be to ensure that this virtual cohort be as highly curated as that first retreat was.  In short, the application process means there will be no mean girls in the weekly sessions; no one in it to compete with anyone other than themselves. Think of it as something of a confidence-focused Pilates experience – where the reformer in question is within the speaker.

Do you have a sense of what your core barrier is all about? Have you built any presentation muscles that have been more about ‘getting through it” than those that are truly authentic to you?